Friday, June 01, 2012

Special Delivery

I've always heard that it's good to broaden your horizons. See how the rest of the world lives, learn from them, and apply the best of it to your own way of life. Turns out that's excellent advice, because at least one of the things I learned on my trip to New York City has already paid off.

First, a bit of backstory. In addition to this blog, my doses of wit and wisdom also appear in column I write for a few area newspapers. This week's column went like this (some of which will sound familiar if you read my last blog post):

As I mentioned in my last column, I ventured east to the Big Apple last week. New York City. I expected to return home with half a year's worth of story fodder about my misadventures in the metropolis. Unfortunately, my assortment of hosts herded me from one location to another with the relentless efficiency of a pack of border collies, which made for an excellent, glitch-free vacation but left me with nothing to write about. 

I didn't even get robbed, unless you count the guy selling umbrellas in Grand Central Station, and charging four times the going rate is a clear case of carpe diem, or whatever you call taking advantage of people who know they're going to hike a mile across Manhattan on a day when there's a seventy percent chance of rain and still aren't smart enough to plan ahead.

The city was definitely a whole different world from back here at home. First off, there are no pickups. In two days, I didn't spot a single one. Makes sense, I guess. What use does a New Yorker have for an open box? Anything you put in there would either get soaked or stolen, possibly at the next stoplight. Even the construction crews drive vans.

Second, there are trees on top of skyscrapers. Seriously. Can you picture that in Glacier County? I'd give it a week, max, before the next strong breeze plucked those suckers out of their little tubs and tossed them clear over to Havre.

But the best part of Manhattan was the food delivery. Come lunchtime you just grab a handful of menus, pick what you want, and in half an hour a guy shows up at the office door, a slice of cheese pizza and a cold Pepsi in hand. Unless you wanted sushi. Or Thai. Or any other kind of food you can imagine. It was awesome.

Not to say we don't have delivery service up here on the Highline. At least once a week a person from the feed store, the auto parts store or the implement dealership appears at my office, dropping off something my husband or one of the neighbors needs brought out to the ranch, thereby saving them a drive to town. Our receptionists have accepted everything from tractor bearings to a bag of ear tags on my behalf. They no longer blink when handed the annual bull semen sales catalog.

The first day I was back from New York, one of my office mates dropped a brand new hoof rasp on my desk, freshly delivered. As I sat there wishing it was a bagel with cream cheese, it occurred to me the solution might lie in another die hard Big Apple tradition--tipping.

I wonder what it would take to get the feed store folks to swing by the quick stop and grab me a Pepsi and a KitKat on their way into town? 

My column came out on Wednesday. Today just before lunch time this arrived at my desk, courtesy of Kelly from BTI Feed:

So what have I learned from this experience, dear readers? Well, first off, somebody actually does read that stuff I put in the paper. And second, Kelly would never survive as a New York delivery person. She forgot to stick around for her tip. 


Janet Reid said...

And if she does stick around, it's $5.00 Minimum

Megan Coakley said...

And you can order food online! The menus are all posted and you can just click away. I guess it's a small way to control social interaction when most of the day is spent avoiding DNA transfer from the eight million other folks.

I am intrigued by the bull semen catalog. Are there pin-ups of the contributors?

Linda G. said...

Whoa. There's a bull semen catalog?

(Yes, that is what I glommed onto from this whole post.)

Kari Lynn Dell said...

Megan & Linda: Exhibit A:

Not only are there photos of the 'contributors', there are statistics including such things as scrotal circumference. And yes, someone has to get down there with a tape and measure them. Now there's something to put on your resume.

There's also a snappy line of semen-related clothing, because that's what every girl needs:

Patty Blount said...

I LOVED meeting you and am glad you enjoyed your trip to my neck of the woods... even if those woods were on top of skyscrapers :)

unrelated - I think you HAVE to write a story that includes some reference to this scrotal circumference. I nearly choked when I read this :)

mscriver said...

Kari, don't forget to tell them about the bull "athletic supporters" and cow bras for shipping.

Prairie Mary

Chef E said...

Heh! My two favs as well...but they haven't invented grab and go computer imagery yet :(

You reminded me of a delivery driver last week who stood confused when I said keep the change, but then I thought after shutting the door "maybe he wanted more than my two dollars...". It was a Chinese lunch that day. As a chef I am privy to knowing Asian places hire at a salary, not hourly wage (at least they do where I live), so the house gets the tip. Unfair right? Yeah, I feel the same way- underpaid as well...

Really enjoying your site. I write way too much and don't read nearly enough blog posts these days.

Elizabeth Akin Stelling