Saturday, October 16, 2010

Hay Haulers Shape Up Plan

Thanks to the overwhelming response to last spring’s Ranch Wife’s Swimsuit Diet, we have decided to offer a fall session: The Hay Hauler’s Holiday Shape Up. We know all of you rural ladies will be needing to shimmy into the perfect cocktail dress for your endless round of glamorous holiday parties, and that sexy down-filled witch’s costume you’ve got picked out for Halloween.

Or at least fit into last year’s Carhartt coveralls.

The secret to our program is in our exercise equipment. After decades of exhaustive research, we have determined that nothing can match our device for overall strengthening and rapid weight loss. Ladies, we give you…the 1963 International Harvestor grain truck.

We have had to make a few key modifications to ol’ Yeller in order to maximize the calorie-burning potential of this amazing machine. First off, we had to beat the suspension to death over hundreds of miles of rocks and washboards. The resulting lack of shock absorption allows the operator to experience the full benefits of every badger hole and boulder, blasting those fat cells right off your thighs. (Note to clients: the more well-endowed amongst you will want to bring along your extra super support garments.)

Of course, to achieve those totally ripped arms, the power steering had to go. The clutch and brake have been adjusted to increase resistance which, combined with the extended arc of motion in the pedals on this particular vehicle, provides an experience very similar to the leg press machines you’ll find in those fancy health clubs. The knobs that must be pulled and pushed to operate the hoist are the perfect tool for increasing grip strength and targeting those flabby wrists.

You will begin each workout session at the hay yard. One of our assistants will apply the exact combination of ether, jumper cables and prayer needed to get ol’ Yeller up and running, stick you behind the wheel and point you in the right direction. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to master the controls as you rattle across half a mile of bone-jarring alfalfa field in first gear. The tractor will be waiting to load eight one ton round hay bales, after which you’ll crank ol’ Yeller around and rattle back again.

Round bales, being round, have a tendency to roll. To curb this tendency, each load must be dumped right next to the last load, so you don’t end up with a hay yard that looks like someone blew up a bag of mega-marshmallows. To add that extra level of difficulty, we’ve designed the hay rack so the line of sight through the rearview mirrors is completely blocked by the bales. Shouldn’t take you more than three or four tries per load to get it wrestled into position, back up until the rear of the truck bounces off the stack, and pull forward a couple of feet. 

Then comes the good part.                                                                                                       
Raising the hoist is a simple procedure, requiring only that you push in the clutch with your left foot, shift the truck into neutral and pull out and hold the PTO** knob while simultaneously pulling out and holding the hoist knob. You may also need to rev the truck a little with your right foot while letting the clutch out with your left. Watch carefully as the hoist rises. At the exact instant gravity overcomes friction and the bales begin to slide, slam the clutch to the floor. The weight of the sliding bales will propel the truck out from under them, depositing the bales neatly in place.

You will get used to that ‘shot out of a slingshot’ sensation after fifteen or twenty loads (complimentary cervical collars and ibuprofen are available from the concierge), and the big ker-bang when the truck bed slams back down. Until then, the burst of adrenaline will give your metabolism a nice boost. And feel free to pump the brakes. It’s excellent for quadriceps development, even if it does nothing in the way of slowing the truck.

As an added bonus, after the first load or two the floorboards of the truck will begin to heat up, emitting a unique blend of baked grease and essence de toasted mouse turd guaranteed to squelch those pesky snack cravings. And since the heater knob has been stuck in the ‘On’ position for approximately twenty years, the cab will soon become your own private sauna. Don’t be surprised to find you’ve melted off a pound or two in just the first afternoon, especially if it’s a bright sunny day.

We guarantee after a few days on this regimen, that party dress will fit like never before. Demand will be high for this special program, though, so sign up now. We’ve only got 247 more loads to haul.  

NOW AVAILABLE: The home video version of the Hay Hauler's Shape Up, only $9.99! Equipment plus shipping and handling are extra.

Music by Bill Hammond

**PTO stands for Power Take Off. Pulling out the knob engages the gear that connects to the shaft that spins around and raises the hoist on the truck. Or something like that. 



Anonymous said...

I was nodding and laughing through this whole post! As a Midwestern farm girl, I can totally identify with the quality of this exercise machine. :)

Cynthia D'Alba said...

Is it okay that this city girl got tired just watching this? :)

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm impressed!

Carol/Red Dirt in My Soul said...

Oh, how I miss your posts! I always choke... not seriously, of course... but you are always so spot on! You definitely get an Atta Girl for this one!

Kari Lynn Dell said...

*curtseys* Thank you. Taking orders now for your very own home video version.

Julie Weathers said...

rofl Isn't that the living truth? Now I'm tired just watching.

I have to say I'm impressed with how accurate you are, though. Practice makes perfect as they say.

The first time I took my stepdad's 1940 something tractor out to the field to drag he griped and complained about me tearing it up. (Brakes went completely out instead of just part the way out.)

"Damned kids always tearing stuff up around here."

In A Mini Skirt said...

Loved this! Reminds me of how we stack, and unstack small square bales and the intricate set of "instructions" that go along with getting the job done.